It’s no secret that planning any kind of wedding is an enormous logistical and emotional undertaking. For a day this “big” (whether that be by cultural hype, emotional poignancy, or even legal and financial weight), there are so many decisions to be made that determine the flow of the day, and more importantly how you experience your own wedding. In a world of social media touting weddings as a status symbol, I want to encourage you to take a deep breath and dial in on why you’re really doing all of this. Why do you want to have the specific kind of celebration that you’re planning? Why do you want a large guest list, or a small one? Why do you want a wedding party? And which aspects of tradition are important or meaningful to you?
I am a strong believer that every component of a wedding day should be intentionally and thoroughly thought out when it comes to how each moment actually provides meaning to your experience. I feel fortunate to have experienced so many weddings with so many different kinds of couples, in different cultures and sexual orientations and walks of life, who have challenged the walls of tradition so effectively. It’s also important to note that this is not, and will never be, a comprehensive list of all the varying ways to de-traditionalize your wedding! This list is simply meant to jog your own creative mind and act as a tool as you start to think about your own love story and your own purpose behind each of these decisions. The sky is the limit, and that is a beautiful thing.
Here are some of my favorite ways to break the mold of traditions as you plan your own unique and alternative wedding:
Walk down the aisle together (or on your own)
There are so many reasons why being walked down the aisle by a father (or parent) just might not make sense for you, and it might still feel strange for you to have someone else walk with you just as an arbitrary placeholder. Instead, you can opt to escort yourself down the aisle to your future spouse – or even better, enter your ceremony together as a unit.
Make your wedding party gender neutral (if you even decide to have a wedding party!)
These days, the purpose of a wedding party is to be surrounded and celebrated by people who love and care for you on your wedding day – no matter who those people are! There are no gender stereotypes needed for who needs to stand on each side. As long as they’re your people and you feel at peace with them, that’s all that matters. (We also need to be done with calling this a “bridal party” as an industry!)
Ditch the White Dress
White is, of course, the classic wedding dress color – and for good reason! It is classic, beautiful, and so clean – but, if you have never worn white in your life and generally don’t enjoy having it as part of your regular color scheme, why are you starting now? Incorporating texture, color, and interesting styles into your day can help the entire experience feel so much more like you – and after all, that’s one of the most important factors for your wedding day!
Opt Out of the Wedding Cake
Cutting the wedding cake has come to be a symbolization of the first joint-task to accomplish as a married couple. Whether you just aren’t into cake or this tradition doesn’t feel important to you, there are so many ways to shake this up by either having your first joint-task be something you already love to do together, or even cutting something besides a cake:
- Planting a tree
- Singing a song
- Doing a puzzle
- Making a cocktail
- A German tradition of sawing a log in half with a two-handled saw
- Cut something besides a cake: pie, pizza, ice cream cake, or literally anything else
- Do a shot
- Light a unity candle
- You can do literally anything here!
Get Ready Together
Many couples today still opt to not see each other before the ceremony, with yet more doing a private first look before their ceremony. While there is no right or wrong answer here, only the option that is most special to you, another option is to get ready together. After all, this day is about you two, and my hope for you is that your partner is the person who brings you the most peace in the entire world. That, in my opinion, is reason enough to spend the entire day truly together.
Let Your Bridesmaids (or Wedding Party) Pick their Own Outfits
No matter what your wedding party looks like, letting those closest to you pick their own outfits (even within color / texture / vibe parameters) can help them to truly showcase their own personal style and find colors and styles that are entirely flattering to them – this not only elevates the look of your wedding party, but it’s a tried and true fact that people will feel more confident with more control over their outfit choices!
Ditch the Flower Girls & Ring Bearers
So many weddings these days are kid free by choice… except for the role of the flower girls and ring bearers, who rarely end up staying for the entire event and often add a layer of logistics to their family’s experience. So many couples are changing up the role of the traditional flower girl and ring bearer by incorporating other important folks instead, such as grandmothers (hello, flower granny!) and friends that aren’t in the wedding party (ex. Beer Dudes). This is usually a fun and lighthearted way to open your ceremony, but also is a great opportunity to include other people who might not otherwise be involved in your ceremony (especially if you aren’t having kids at your wedding).
Have a Self Uniting Ceremony (if your state permits them!)
Pennsylvania, luckily, is one of 9 states and districts that have legalized self solemnization. In California, Colorado, D.C., Illinois, Kansas, Maine, Nevada, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin, couples can legally marry without the need for an ordained officiant. The process for obtaining a marriage license is different in this situation in every state, but it allows for such a beautiful opportunity to guide yourselves through your own ceremony (whether you’re eloping just the two of you, or still having your ceremony in front of your loved ones!)
Some Additional Traditions You might want to Just Skip (and why)
As with all of the listed traditions so far, please take these with a grain of salt! These traditions are still very popular, but so many couples have family or guest dynamics that it just doesn’t make sense to try to force all of these for the sake of checking a box.
Parent Dances
Usually if there is a strained relationship with parents, or the “appropriate” parent is deceased, it’s really okay to just skip this (for you, your partner, or both of you). If you have someone meaningful to you that you’d like to incorporate here, this can be a beautiful opportunity to celebrate that relationship.
Bouquet Toss & Garter Toss
This entire tradition is truly archaic, though it is still observed on occasion! Bouquet tosses can be all fun and games at best, and at worst an interruption to the dance party of a full reception. Garter tosses, on the other hand, can quickly turn the entire thing into an unwanted sexualization of either the bride, or the winner of the bouquet toss. In my humble, humble opinion… it’s okay to just sit this one out.
Speeches & Toasts
This is another aspect that is entirely dependent on you and your group! If you don’t want to take the time out of your night for formal speeches or toasts, are afraid of the risk of someone unwelcome grabbing the microphone, or otherwise don’t want to make your introverted besties uncomfortable by giving a speech or a toast, you can omit this entirely.
And ultimately, if the entire idea of having a large wedding (or a wedding with guests at all) doesn’t quite feel like it aligns with you… just elope 😉
(but that’s another topic for another day)
